Twin-Sized Bed
by thebrilliantdancex
Summary: The guilt chips away at the edges of Elijah's soul, until eventually - he thinks - there will be nothing left.


**Author's Note: **Wow, so I haven't written anything in a while… Anyway, here's a little thing that just came to my mind one day. If you like listening to music when you read, I highly suggest you listen to _"Your new twin sized bed"_ by **Death Cab for Cutie** while reading this. That's what I listened to while writing this, and where I got the title from. It fits the mood of this one-shot perfectly. Anyway, enjoy! :]

**Disclaimer:** I do not own the Vampire Diaries or any of the characters.

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**Twin-Sized Bed**

_You look so defeated lying there in your new twin sized bed_

_With a single pillow underneath your single head_

_I guess you decided that that old queen was more space than you would need_

_And now it's in the alley behind your apartment with a sign that says, "it's free,_

_That I hope you have more luck with it than me"_

_._

_._

Sometimes, when he closes his eyes, he can feel the gentle press of Tatia's lips against his.

Suddenly Elijah's back thousands and thousands of years in time, pressed up against the rough bark of a tree, Tatia's body molding to his perfectly. Not only is there lust pumping through his veins, but his head is also spinning with adrenaline, because this is all so forbidden. _Deliciously_ forbidden and secretive. Their relationship is all stolen kisses behind the butcher's house when he goes to fetch meat for dinner and heated glances across the rows of merchandise at the marketplace. Elijah isn't usually one to sneak around – he's too moral and honorable for such behavior. But Tatia begs, _Please don't tell anyone. Not yet. Soon, but not yet._ He obliges, and, after a while, he actually starts to _enjoy_ the thrill of keeping it all a secret.

Tatia is the desire of all the men in town, yet _he_ gets to have her. She is _his._ He's fully aware that his brother, Klaus, also has… _relations_ with her, but that doesn't matter, because he knows he loves her more. In fact, Elijah's never loved _anyone_ as much as he loves Tatia. His love for her burns him from the inside out, a smoldering flame that grows with each day that passes.

He kisses her a bit harder, reveling in the throaty moan that action evokes. Elijah doesn't care that she has a kid by another man, or that his parents will not approve, or that his brother desires her too. He knows he should care, but he _doesn't. _All that matters is the feel of Tatia in his arms and the way she lovingly whispers his name against the crook of his neck.

Eventually, they will reveal their romance to the entire town, his parents and Klaus be damned. He knows his little brother will be heartbroken, but Elijah has never wanted anything more in his life than how much he wants Tatia, so he can't be selfless. Not when it comes to her. He wants to marry her, wants to start a family with her, wants to grow old with her. He'll even raise her illegitimate child as his own, that's how much he loves her._ Soon, our love won't be a secret anymore,_ he thinks as he gently lowers her down on the forest floor. _Soon._

When he opens his eyes, harsh reality sets in, and he remembers that Tatia is long gone. Killed by his very own mother, her blood then used to turn him and his family into deranged, supernatural monsters. The thought makes him quiver in disgust, makes him want to crawl out of his own skin. Guilt and horror and repulsion boil in his stomach until he finds himself in the bathroom, retching the blood of the last victim he consumed. Visions of what could have been flash through his mind – Tatia in a long, silk gown, her head adorned with a wreath of flowers as he kisses her for the first time as his wife; Tatia, her bulging stomach slightly visible as she works over the fire, preparing food for their next meal; Tatia, her hair gray and her face wrinkled, but still breathtakingly beautiful as she lays next to him in the darkness of the night.

Centuries later, and sometimes Elijah still finds himself overcome with crippling grief, mourning the death of his first love.

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Sometimes, when he closes his eyes, he can hear Katerina's tinkering laughter floating through his ears.

Suddenly Elijah's back in 1492, chasing Katerina through the gardens behind his and Klaus' England mansion. Oh, he's not trying very hard to capture her; even if he wasn't a vampire with super agility, her flowing skirts and tight corset hinder her from moving very fast. He knows he could easily catch her, and he knows _she _knows he could easily catch her, but he plays along anyway. He enjoys flirting with her; it's uncharacteristic of him, since he's usually the epitome of poised and polite, but she brings out a side of him that he didn't even know existed. Her giggles and batting eyelashes make him feel light and weightless, something he hasn't felt in a very, very long time.

For a brief second, he forgets that she is eerily reminiscent of Tatia. He forgets that she is cursed as the Petrova doppleganger, and that Klaus is planning to sacrifice her life to suit his own needs. He forgets that he is expected to help aid in this innocent girl's demise under the pretext of _family above all._

But then she starts talking of Klaus, and everything comes seeping back into his brain, like a poisonous fog. Elijah feels a rush of emotions: a mix of petty jealousy (because her affections are directed towards his brother, _not him_), and a deep, deep sadness (because she is blissfully ignorant to the imminent danger looming above her). He aches with nostalgia and unrequited feelings at the same time that he aches with the desire to rescue her from her tragic fate.

In that very instant, he knows that he cares for her much more than he should. He cares for her, this girl with her coy smile and sparkling eyes, enough that he will do anything to save her, even it means betraying his own flesh and blood.

When he opens his eyes, he remembers that Katerina is now a vampire, just like him, tangible proof that he has _failed. _All the light that he first saw in Katerina has dissipated, her face now a cold, hard mask. Every time he happens to bump into her, he fights the urge to ask, _What happened? What happened to the Katerina who believed that living a life without love was not living at all?_ But he keeps his mouth shut, because he already knows the answer to his own question. _He _happened. Klaus and him. Together, they systematically crushed Katerina's humanity with a single twitch of their fingers. He longs to apologize, but he knows that pretty words wrapped up in a bow do not have the power to erase the past.

The guilt chips away at the edges of Elijah's soul, until eventually - he thinks - there will be nothing left.

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Sometimes, when he closes his eyes, he can smell Elena's perfume wafting through the air, wisps of vanilla with hints of raspberry.

Suddenly Elijah's back at Elena's lake house, the scent of her perfume mixing ominously with the pungent aroma of blood. Elena's eyes are wide with pain, her breaths coming out as sharp gasps, a knife embedded deep in her stomach. Panic claws at Elijah's lungs, not because he needs her alive for his plans, but because he can't stomach the thought of her becoming a monster like him. _Not again,_ he thinks, a face similar to the girl before him, except with voluminous curls and a coquettish smile, flashing in front of his eyes. _Not again._

In the short amount of time Elijah has known Elena, he has grown a bit more attached to her than he would ever admit, even to himself. He tried to maintain a safe distance, to keep Elena at arm's length, but she somehow managed to sneak past the barriers and walls he specifically erected to keep her out. He's fascinated and entranced by her, not because she looks like Katerina, and not because she looks like Tatia, but because there's an underlying compassion beneath her surface that causes his world to tilt precariously on it's axis_. _Her kindhearted soul is so blinding, that sometimes, when he looks at her, Elijah feels as if he is staring directly into the sun, and he has to fight the urge to shield his eyes from her light.

If Elijah is the reason she becomes a vampire, and her compassion and kindness is snuffed out by darkness and bloodlust, he will never forgive himself. Elijah begs Elena to let him heal her; he can't help the raw desperation in his voice, or the breathe of relief he releases when she collapses in his arms.

To his surprise, she plunges a stake right through his heart, her aim impeccable even though she is gravely injured. As the tendrils of decay crawl through his veins, and he feels himself slipping away, he doesn't feel resentment, or betrayal, or even anger towards Elena.

All he feels is overwhelming relief, because at least she's still _alive_ and _human_.

When he opens his eyes, he remembers that Elena is not his to have. Her heart is torn between two others; there is no room for him in there. Even if there was, he had already betrayed her one too many times. He never wanted to hurt her, or lie to her, or deceive her, but yet that's all he ever seems to do. Even if she was able to look past all that and give him a chance, Elijah knows that his presence in Elena's life will only bring her pain and suffering. After all, that's what happened to the two other Petrova's who were bestowed with the bad luck of being the objects of his affections. The only thing Elijah seems to be good at is destroying the lives of the ones he loves the most.

Elijah squashes any feeling or affection towards Elena Gilbert, pushing it back into a deep corner of his heart, and tries to forget that she even exists.

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Sometimes, when he closes his eyes, the face of the woman he loved, the woman he almost loved, and the woman he must never love dance across his eyelids.

_Tatia, Katerina, Elena; _their names caress his mind like a soft breeze. All so very similar, with their doe-brown eyes alight with fire, and their heart-shaped faces framed by chestnut strands. But at the same time, oh so very different; Tatia with her maturity and wit; Katerina with her charm and coyness; and Elena with her pure heart and compassion.

When Elijah Mikaelson opens his eyes, there is no one there.


End file.
